What do you have against us?
We give you food, water, nice windowsills so you can sit and make strange noises at the squirrels, and a cardboard scratcher-thing with catnip in it. We leave our clothes on the floor so you can curl up on them and get them all hairy. We keep you safely inside, because you’re deathly afraid of the outdoors. Sometimes, when your lingering instincts—which are, at this point in your domesticated evolution, useless—make you think you want to go outside, we hold open the door for you. We continue to hold the door open until the breeze of the outdoors freaks you out and you slink, low to the ground for protection from the unknown forces, back inside. We let you bite and scratch us, and, in those rare moments when the voices in your head have silenced enough to let us, we pet you and scratch under your chin.
So what compels you to keep breaking our drinkware? We know we should wash the dishes before we go to bed instead of leaving them on the counter, but frankly, you shouldn’t be up there in the first place. What is it that tempts you? It can’t be the water, because you have plenty of that in your plastic dish on the floor, not to mention in the toilet, a source you’ve availed yourself of in the past. Perhaps your super feline sense of smell tells you that there was, hours ago, chicken on the counter, even though we’ve wiped it down with Method magnolia dish soap. Or maybe it’s the magnolia scent, reminiscent of the outdoors of your blood-memory, that inveigles you to leap. But regardless of why you jump up there, it seems to be only malice that drives you to break our glasses. Though you may think your technique is a secret, I’ve seen you try to push an object to the floor. You bat it repeatedly with your paw, like you’re putting in mini-golf, until we yell at you and you run to your scratcher, which you seem to consider “base.” But when we’re in bed, there is no stopping you, and the incidents end with our
cheap Ikea goblets and Pier 1 tumblers expensive wedding-gift highball glasses and favorite souvenir mugs shattered on the floor. At the sound of the breakage, we wake up and you run and hide under the couch, leaving us to clean up the shards, which are not only saddening but dangerous. Cat Darby, do you want to see us with stitches?
I have to tell you,
Cat Darby, that if this behavior doesn’t end soon, we are not going to have any glasses left. And because we are broke, we are going to have to buy you cheaper food so we can afford to get more glasses. You think that Meow Mix is bad?
Stephen and Emily Schappler
it’s my monthly chance to make you come see me play pretend. this month i am playing two different types of dumb drunk girl (such range), and am singing. which is terrifying. i have almost given up. but! the show will be awesome. please come.
date: wednesday, december 4 (tomorrow!)
location: failte irish whiskey bar 531 2nd ave btwn 29th & 30th
time: 6:15pm - tickets on sale for both shows (it is $10 and you get a free beer with your entrance fee!)
7pm - show
9pm - show (this one is usually very full, so i recommend showing up early)
more info: ourbarnyc.com
see you there!
- leaving work at 2:30pm today
- all of my family (my side and stephen’s) arriving today for thanksgiving festivities
- sleeping in for four days straight
- the annual schappler family tex-mex-and-margarita-induced overpriced-christmas-tree purchasing and decorating night
- next wednesday’s our bar (please come see it, it is going to be a great one! and i know i say that every month but that is mostly because they are always great - 12/4, 7pm and 9pm, $10)
- my birthday - the actual day (dec 10) and some exciting festivities
- spending our christmas just the two of us here in the city
- celebrating new year’s eve in mexico with my family (and thawing back out)
there’s a lot to be thankful for, i think.
i have to attend a work event at red rooster tomorrow (womp wimp) so i smushed an entire weekend into today - the gym, bagels and coffee with my main man, the hunger games-catching fire with the girls, a pedicure, two trips to the grocery store (all my pre-thanksgiving shopping), fish tacos at home, and a practice pecan pie for friendsgiving tomorrow. it is only 8pm, but i am already tired.
and happy, very very happy. we have a lot to be thankful for this year, and i am very much looking forward to celebrating it all on a long weekend starting promptly at 6pm on wednesday.